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Dr. Pacik

“No one is more arrogant toward women, more aggressive or scornful, than the man who is anxious about his virility.”
~ Simone de Beauvoir

We’re awestruck by the virility of nature unimpeded, as in the ocean or a raging river. If we understood virility as that living, natural power, we would all love to feel so forceful, hearty, and virile! When you think of virile people, even fictional characters, you probably see this quality as inherent in them, independent of external factors. Since true virility doesn’t depend on an outside source, sexual potency doesn’t get depleted.

But many sexual dysfunctions, and often sexual addiction, spring from a wounded virility. Some upbringing can be sexually minimizing, even castrating or sterilizing. Negative body image–the exaggerated sense of our physical imperfection–is common, as is pubescent anxiety over sexual aptitude. Later overcompensation for such wounds can themselves inhibit virility, as we see in the person who bluffs and blunders through endless sexual situations to hide emotional blocks. If someone uses sex to stimulate–or to simulate–a sense of virility, s/he will lose that sense of power at the moment of orgasm and have to build it up again.

Without strong role models or encouragement by caregivers, peers, or society itself, our free-flowing, natural virility becomes stunted. Our culture recognizes virility only in the limited, stereotypical domain of “strong and silent” heterosexual men. But in nature, virility flowers free of such bias. With acceptance and support, men and women of all orientations, genetic make-ups, and physiological abilities may enjoy their natural, wholesome virility.

You can encourage your partner’s virility as a healthy act of sex. The first step is just knowing that each of us is truly virile. That’s our native state. By inviting the flow of your respective energies, holding space for your intention, and containing the raw intensity in a secure and sober way, we tap into the restorative power of virility.

• How do you judge sexual virility in others, and how does this match your current perception of your own erotic self?
• Experience your virility right now. Take deep, strong breaths and feel the force of your livingness. Run your hands along your body, like a flowing river feeding all it touches. Invest this–your real, untamed current of energy–in everything you do today.
• Affirm your virility and that of your beloved. Drop the verbal and mental accusations of weakness in yourself and others. Know that there is bountiful vitality behind all you perceive. Choose to know life.

From the MIRROR OF INTIMACY book The Daily Meditation Book by Alexandra Katehakis and Tom Bliss