So often vaginismus women blame themselves for something they have no control over. A woman would not blame herself for any other medical condition. On the contrary our partner would support us as best as possible and at the very least be sympathetic to the situation. Not so in vaginismus where there is too much blame resulting in feelings of being less than…a failure.
“It can be really depressing when you work so hard on yourself only to lose it by losing it on someone or just kind of forgetting what you learned. But it needn’t be. If you understand that falling is part of the game, and the other part is getting back up, and going higher than you were before. Today, when you slip back, remember to take an action that will propel you forwards.”
~ Yehuda Berg
When a relationship lasts, we hail it as a success, but if it ends we frame it as “failed.” The same goes with failed business ventures, failed careers, failed aspirations. And after too many repeated misfortunes, or because of poor self-esteem, we don’t just see what’s failed, we think of ourselves as failures. Of course, this utterly demeans and denies the true nature of the entire experience, including accomplishments along the way and the constant forging of inner character.
We point this disparaging tendency outward, too. When people let us down, falling short of our expectations or moral standards, we can so easily see them as “complete and utter failures.” Think of the lawbreakers who fill our jails or the lawmakers who abandon them there. When people do bad things, we confuse the wrong actions they committed with the persons they are. We mistake doing with being. We’re usually more forgiving of our own mistakes as we can see the chain of circumstances leading up to them. But how sad that we ever see ourselves, or anyone, as “failures” simply for not reaching our potential.
It’s said that sometimes when things are falling apart, they are actually falling into place. The traumas of our so-called failures allow greater emotional connection by knocking down the false crown of ego and teaching us empathy for others who miss their marks. Often we don’t even realize how disconnected we are from other people’s pain until we feel some of it ourselves. The truth is that, without connection and empathy, success is hollow and lonely. To attempt any goal, to dare to fail, to grieve the loss of our erroneous self-image, and to understand every other person who’s done the same can only be seen as a success in the fail-proof development of our soul.
DAILY HEALTHY SEX ACTS
• Reflect on your failures–relationships, career choices, social events, or fashion faux pas. Then, focus on your proven ability to step out of your comfort zone and take risks. Today, share with someone part of your shameful past from a place of loving self-recognition and appreciation.
• We’ve all experienced rude awakenings. Do you empathize with others when they’re down, or does the smell of shame compel you to join the attack?
• Starting today, stand up for the underdog, the “loser.” Sometimes having the strength to show loving support for unacknowledged others turns the tides of our own lives.
From the MIRROR OF INTIMACY book The Daily Meditation Book by Alexandra Katehakis and Tom Bliss