Reply To: 12 years. Help.

[FranklinDTG]

Ditto to what every man has said here. I’m 12 years into a marriage with a woman who, by all measurements, is asexual. She was a virgin when we married at 57. My second marriage, her first. When we were dating I respected her wishes to save sex for our wedding night. She thought it would come natural, it did not. After many years of pelvic floor therapy and attempted dialator use, it’s painfully clear that she has zero natural sexual desire. She cringes when I try to kiss her. Nuzzling and cuddling results in her recoiling and rolling her eyes, trivializing the mood. In all other aspects of our lives together, we’re really good, really supportive, really in sync. She is aware that I’m different in my needs than her, she often tries to placate me with promises of “trying harder”, but in the end I’ve had to accept that some people just don’t have sexual urges!!… It pains me to no end that when, maybe once a year, she tries to engage in penetrative sex, it’s obvious she’s in physical and emotional pain. From my perspective, it’s akin to forceful sex, near rape, and I just feel awful even trying. She has zero interest in me pleasuring her orally, or finding a way to give me manual pleasure. So here I am, unwilling to end my marriage, unwilling to cheat, and devastated to think I can never have the intimate connection with my wonderful spouse. I masturbate once or twice a week to keep my genitals from atrophying, and she knows it, but considers it’s disgusting and doesn’t want to even know.
She’s expressed an interest in botox to allow for penetrative sex, but we have yet to seek out a physician to do that treatment.
I guess the main thing I wanted to contribute here, is that some people are asexual. It’s a real sexual orientation, just like hetero and LGBTQ, and regardless of what we as spouses wish for, there is nothing to be done. If I love her, and I do, I can just accept it.
My saving’s grace is that I did have a wonderful sex life in my first marriage, so while it’s tempting to use that life as a base line measurement now, I prefer to just remember that those good times did happen and I can be content with the memory, and not project those expectations on my wife now.
Thank you for letting me air this out.