Reply To: Finally taking the steps. But at times it feels all consuming…

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Bettyslocombe – it’s great to meet you! I wish it wasn’t under THESE circumstances, but it’s clear that you are a strong and brave and good-humored person who is really being put through the ringer right now!

I had vaginismus for about 10 years before I finally got help, and it was in similar circumstances to yours. I had realized my specific problem was vaginismus a few years prior, but it wasn’t until I had a partner who gave me something of an ultimatum that I actually did something about it. He essentially said “Sex is important to me in a relationship, and even if this never gets resolved, I think you really need to stop running from this and try.” This was hard to hear and confront at first, but it was the kick in the butt that so many of us need to really get started. So I know how hard it can be to face down the years of pain and baggage and negative experiences that seeking treatment for vaginismus requires.

You are making SO much amazing progress right now. I know it probably feels slower than you want it to be, but it’s still happening all the same. Your younger self would probably be totally amazed at all you’ve accomplished in the past few weeks and months, so remember that objectively you’ve come so far already from where you began.

As Helen noted so well, this is a grueling chapter of your life – but it is a CHAPTER. I was undergoing major treatment for vaginismus almost 5 years ago, and it involved daily dilating, a lot of emotional energy devoted to it, and the same slow climb up what felt like an endless mountain, but eventually you DO arrive. It will not always be this demanding or take this much of you. It’s like any project in life that can consume you – it reminds me of preparing for final exams in college, where you feel like your life will never not be late nights and anxiety and studying, and then suddenly that part of it is over. If you put in the work like you have been, this chapter of your life will have an end point too and your relationship to sex and your body will become just one of the countless things we manage day-to-day without it needing to consume all our waking time and thought.

When you feel yourself doubting, focus on how far you’ve come so far and keep marching upward – you’ll be cresting the top of the mountain before you know it.