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Hi Tetra444 – I’m so sorry to hear about this long and frustrating situation. I haven’t had the particular tearing issue you describe, but having suffered from vaginismus for years before finally getting treatment, I understand completely what you mean when you talk about feeling like a part of you has died. It’s so hard to feel arousal or desire when you have such an inextricable link to pain with sex. I dealt with this last year because I’d experience major pain after my partner ejaculated inside of me – it turned out to be some sort of issue with his semen, which I think was irritating me internally, because once he started pulling out before ejaculating, the pain went away. All that is to say that I came to dread sex – I would enjoy it at first, but ending on the experience of pain cemented it in such a negative place for me for awhile. Your feelings are valid and it’s understandable why you would not be feeling in the mood.
It sounds like using the creams again is definitely a good starting place, as is getting back into dilating to make sure you’re as stretched out as possible. I think changing your birth control is a strong possible next step. I had to get on the pill a couple of years ago because of an issue I had with a cyst forming, and taking hormones just has all kinds of effects on the body – which also change as we age. I know I don’t have a lot of practical advice to offer, but I want you to know that you are brave for keeping with this exploration and I sincerely believe this is just a season in your life. This part of you can come back to life again, and I can tell you have the resilience to get to that place.
I hope that this next approach works for you, and please let us know how it all goes!