I’ve been reading along here for a few weeks and I’ve finally found an excuse to create an account on the forum 🙂
I’m an ex-vaginismus patient (well… not sure if I really am, since I’m still struggling from time to time).
If there is ONE thing I would tell vaginismus patients, THIS is it. Me and my partner were totally unprepared to tackle the (male) issues that arise when you’re finally able to start having sex. After reading what other women wrote about their experiences, I know we were not the only ones, but boy, patients need to be BETTER informed on this!
I’m not sure why this is not common knowledge. At least, I never heard about it before. Basically it boils down to the fact that guys get used to manual stimulation to reach an orgasm, and after a few years this becomes the ONLY way they can have a climax. They are so used to this type of stimulation they can’t come in other ways. This is exactly what happens when you’ve got a partner who never had sex before (as it was in our case).
When I had sex with my partner he couldn’t come and lost his erection while we were having sex. I remember thinking it was all my fault, that I wasn’t “sexy” enough and more of that nonsense. We went to a sexologist, who quickly realized what was going on. He had the same advice as most of you have written here: we had to stop manual stimulation (and masturbation) immediately. The only way he was allowed to have an orgasm was through vaginal intercourse. Which of course didn’t work the first few weeks. Another vaginismus patient I met online gave me the tip to wear panties, and slide the panty to the side before you start having sex. This gives a bit of extra stimulation on the base of the penis. After a month, my partner was able to have his first orgasm and this really caused a mental switch to be flipped! During the following weeks, we were able to have sex without my underwear and things started to work out fine.
Not sure why I’m writing all this, my partner would kill me if he knew 🙂 But I’m (still) really disappointed my therapist didn’t tell me this could happen once I started having sex.