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Hi lillyd,
I, too, am so sorry to hear about all that you’ve endured.
I agree with recessivegenequeen – your quest to uncover the genesis of your experience with vaginismus is totally understandable! And if you feel it will benefit to continue this exploration, then by all means, keep going (though it may not be something you’re ever able to fully uncover). But if you are ready for solid diagnosis and treatment (because vaginismus is very treatable!), then I encourage you to find the right provider who can guide you through the process.
If you are interested in learning more about our treatment plans at Maze, please check out the website and call us for a free 10-minute consult. Our distance dilation program is something we offer to those who can’t access our NY-based offices, and that might be of interest.
In any case – don’t ever stop exploring avenues for healing that meet your needs and preferences!