Re: new here- need help

[rachel]

Hi Michael,
My name is Rachel and I suffrered with vaginismus for almost 12 years before I stumbled upon Dr Paciks treatment, so I whole heartedly understand where your wife is coming from when she says she want to divorce you to set you free. Before I made the decision to take the risk of travelling thousands of miles to a different country for treatment that was new and to be honest, a little out of my comfort zone, I too was at the point of “letting my husband go”. I got to a point where I could see no future for myself and I was so low that I would constantly cry and grieve over the loss of my relationship and chances to ever be a mum and have children. I was so defeated and so exhausted with trying to remain positive and trying to find a way out of a nightmare that never seemed to ever come to an end. There were occasions where my mind was flooded with thoughts of sucide. I would think, “whats the point? Whats the purpose of my life?” The truth is, I believed that I had no purpose-I couldn’t fulfill my duties as a wife-I couldn’t have children and I didn’t feel like a woman anymore. I felt stripped of my womanhood and I didn’t see any point in going on. I would shout at my husband and push him away, because it was easier that way-it was less painful than the alternative of keep trying to make somethjing work that was never going to work.

You see, when you suffer with vaginismus, you carry around so much guilt about how you are destroyign the life of the very person that you love and it is torturous. Everything inside of you wants to remain with your partner, but the guilt of the pain and suffering that you are causing your loved one makes you want to end the relationship. I know this, because I went through this cycle so many times, but everytime my husband would beg me not to end it-I felt so confused as to what was the right thing to do. Dave would actually get angry with me. He quite rightly reminded me that it wasn’t just my life that had been affected but his to. I remember him saying, “Rachel, I have stood by you from day one and I have committed myself to you in sickness and in health and now after 12 years you want to walk out on me!” I had never thought about it from his persective, I had only thought about how living with my own guilt was ripping me apart on a daily basis, but I never looked at how me leaving him would affect his life in a negative way. I just thought that I would leave, he would be upset and then move on with his life and find someone else. What I failed to realise is that vaginismus had left scars on him too. I failed to realise that by leaving him I was not allowing him to find any resolution and any closure. That wound would forever remain open and unresolved. So, my only other option was to find a solution to my problem, but this was proving difficult.

One night, I went onto youtube and typed in vaginismus. I was so desperate to find someone who understood and who could solve my problem. I longed to see a real life human being that was like me. This is where I found Dr Pacik and little did I know that my life was abopit to change. It wasn’t an easy decision to make because on top of having vaginismus, I also struggled with phobias about taking medications and losing control. So making the decision to allow a doctor to inject me with botox was a big decision for me, but one I will never regret-it truly did save my sanity and my marriage.

I have overcome vaginismus now, but thats not to say that years later we are still working through dealing with the scars that have affected our relationship. But I can truly say that I am so glad that I stuck it out and overcame my issue with my husband. We later found out that my husband was infact infertile, so we had another big storm that we had to deal with, but hey-thats life. We have grieved our loss and we have moved forward together and I can truly say that we are best friends and our marriage is stronger than many couples who have always been able to have sex. Our relationship has something special about it that many couples will never experience. Today, I couldn’t see myself being happy if Dave was not by my side. He has remained by my side through the good and the bad times and to me, well, I count myself extremely blessed. Many couples who are able to have sex from day one give up after the first hurdle and usually over something way less than living with vaginismus.

Why not give getting help one last shot before you decide to end your relationship. If the treatment didn’t work (which is unlikely), you can both at least say that you have tried everything. We decided to make our journey memorable by making it a holiday alongside the treatment. We couldn’t afford it and it did put us into finacial debt, but our thought was that either way we were going to enjoy it and make it memorable. If the treatment didn’t work then we had a good holiday with good memories and we would have ended our relationship with some happy memories that we could chersih. If the treatment did work (which it did), then we could class the holiday as our true honeymoon which we would celebrate in future years and the start of another era of our marriage.

If your wife would like to talk privately about this I am happy for her to contact me via email which Dr Pacik will be more than happy to pass onto you. I know that in the coming weeks and months she will have many ups and down and confusion about whether she is making the right decision. So both me and Dave are happy to talk with both of you at anytime.

Dave knows how it feels to be on the recieving end of having his wife say that she is thinking of leaving him amd I know forst hand how it feels to live with the guilt and depression that rips you apart everyday.