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Dr. Pacik

“He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.”
~ Sherman Alexie

Being honest with yourself about what you need and desire in a mate is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. So choosing your partner is an act of self-esteem. Settling for whoever comes your way or criticizing your partner for his or her nature are both acts of emotional violence. By being in reality about the person to whom you’re relating, you are making a conscious decision to choose that person-warts and all. Once you make that choice, you’re no longer a victim, but an informed participant. When you stop feeling like your mate is doing something “to you,” then, and only then, can you love.

When you make the choice to be in your relationship, you get a whole lot of other choices, too. For example, instead of complaining that your partner isn’t romantic or sexy enough, consider how romantic or sexy you can make yourself. Actually taking that responsibility not only empowers you, it makes a space for your partner to move toward you in ways you might find surprising. When you choose your partner and take responsibility for your sexuality, you recognize that, ultimately, only you can make yourself happy.

If you’ve chosen your partner, and that person breaks vows you both agreed to, don’t deny your situation. Ask yourself if you can heal from the pain in order to choose your partner again, or if it’s time for you to go. Choosing after a betrayal can take time; be honest with yourself about what you need to be happy and whole.

• Have you chosen your partner or are you waiting to be rescued? Do you blame and shame your partner or do you accept all aspects of the choice you have made?
• Do you need to adjust how you’re viewing things, or is it time to end the love relationship? Be careful about blaming and shaming yourself and the other. If you made a bad choice or no longer want to be in your committed relationship, stop torturing your partner and yourself, and move on.

From the MIRROR OF INTIMACY book The Daily Meditation Book by Alexandra Katehakis and Tom Bliss