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“One real danger in love relationships is that most people secretly believe that they must control the love object in order to feel safe in loving and being loved.”
~ Christopher S. Hyatt
Whenever we hit on the great idea of influencing our partner’s behavior or shaping how our relationship “should” go, we may want to pause and explore whether such thoughts are a sign of trouble. Trying to restrain another’s actions and emotions is a recipe for disaster, born from a need to orchestrate outcomes that’s itself born of insecurity. We’ve all heard and used the term “control freak” to describe persons obsessed with controlling themselves and others in order to command every situation. No one likes being around such a person, yet we demonstrate our own controlling traits when we react out of fear that we’re not going to get what we want.
The opposite of control is surrender and sexual pleasure is, in large part, all about surrender. Women who can’t orgasm and men who have performance problems are usually unable to give up control and to surrender. If at any time during the sexual act you’re in your head agonizing about how your thighs look, your penis size, or whether you’re “good enough,” you’re struggling with control issues. Dropping your internal story about not being good enough and instead surrendering to pleasure is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your partner. Get out of self-consciousness and open your heart. Then you can dispense with your ideas about the outcome of your sexual experience and yield to the undreamt-of possibilities of its happenings that are beyond your control. Stay open and give way to the chance that something amazing, healing, and beautiful can occur without your having to direct or control the result.
DAILY HEALTHY SEX ACTS
• Do you try to control the outcomes or circumstances in your relationships or professional life? If so, why?
• When was the last time you tried to control your partner? How did it go? Do you need to make amends
• Next time you make love, try surrendering fully to the experience by silencing the negative voices in your head and focusing on the sensations in your body.
From the MIRROR OF INTIMACY book The Daily Meditation Book by Alexandra Katehakis and Tom Bliss
With vaginismus women the other control issue of importance is their fear and anxiety of being penetrated because it is either impossible or there is intense pain. During counseling this is addressed and the partner is brought into the picture to teach him how to be gentle and understanding during early penetrative attempts. This can be very helpful in giving up control issues that relate to avoiding pain. This gets better but takes time.
“Leg lock” is another form of involuntary control when the thighs close during attempted penetration as during a GYN exam. For women who would like to advance to intercourse we suggest using the “spooning” position or “doggy style”. In this way entry is from behind and leg lock is no longer a factor. A woman needs to go through a treatment program before attempting this.