Reply To: Realizing I had vaginismus and figuring out next steps?

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi ktc515 – thanks so much for sharing your story, you sound like you are exactly where I was in my journey for such a long time before I sought treatment. The thing about vaginismus that can be so insidious is that it often causes those of us who suffer from it immense shame, emotional distress, and physical discomfort on a day-to-day level, but at the same time it’s weirdly easy to push away the problem for YEARS even though it’s so actively hindering our lives. I suspect it’s because it seems like such a large problem to solve and that you have no idea where to begin, but in reality you get through vaginismus the same way you do any other problem – by taking one step down the path at a time.

I want to start by affirming that your experience of vaginismus is so normal and will sound familiar to those of us who have been where you’re standing. I’m not sure where you live exactly, but I’m an American and we often struggle to be candid about the realities of sex even though our culture at large is so obsessed with appearances and sexualizing women in particular (which is how you can end up with your friends thinking you’re a very sexual person but them not actually have any idea of the particular struggles you’re going through). This can put us in a trap of actually feeling something that so many other people relate to yet having the sensation of being totally alone with this problem. By reaching out to these forums, you’re taking the first step in connecting to other people who can relate and affirm what you’re experiencing.

Another thing I want to affirm is that it’s possible to be a sexual person (and a sexually FUFILLED person) without intercourse, and this is another thing our society isn’t great at acknowledging. Everything from Hollywood movies to pornography centers penetration as the most important part of our sexual lives, so much so that “sex” as a term is taken as a stand-in for penetrative intercourse, even though there’s tons of other ways to experience sexual pleasure with another person. I had some extremely satisfying sexual relationships with partners even before getting treatment for vaginismus, and even though I’m able to have intercourse now, I still get the majority of my pleasure from non-penetrative acts. I say all this to remind you that you are still a sexual being and a person who can participate in romantic relationships on your own terms (while also wanting to seek treatment for vaginismus) – but it’s important to not feel like you’re on the outside looking in on something in which you already have every right to participate.

All that being said, I am really glad I got the treatment from Maze that I did for my vaginismus, both because it opened up new forms of connecting with partners, and because it helped heal so much of the shame and self-loathing I had accumulated from feeling defective and dysfunctional for so long. It helped me be more emotionally present in my relationships and sexual encounters, and I am still grateful for that all these years later regardless of whether penetration is happening with my partner or not. I got the botox treatment through the Maze clinic and was able to have intercourse for the first time 20 days later, so I can speak to its efficacy or answer any questions you might have.

You have made great progress on your own so far already in getting more comfortable with touching your body, and that’s proof that with the right help you can make so much progress if you want to. Vaginismus is not a condition that has to control your whole life, and you deserve to put this behind you if that’s what you want! Let us know how we can help in any way!