Foreplay help

[KatieG07]

Hello again ladies,

I had my procedure on 6/9 and on my month anniversary I was able to dilate up to the glass 6 and my husband and I had successful sex. Currently right now we are trying to conceive and get pregnant! Our goal!! I feel like before the procedure my husband could get maybe his tip in and that’s about it and then hit that wall. During that time before we had the procedure and we were trying I feel like my sex drive my intimacy my foreplay and limbedo had all gone away making it harder to enjoy sex with out becoming stressed and frustrated. I have talk to some other girls on the forum that have said the same thing they feel like having V takes away everything from you and it hurts. I want to have an exciting and fun sex life with my husband but it’s so hard. My question to you girls is do you have any suggestions on how to get the fun back in sex? I know foreplay is key but I try so hard and feel my brain shuts off for us. How are we going to enjoy sex if this happens? How will I ever get pregnant if this happens. Some people have suggested maybe seeking counseling and trying that but both my husband and I really want to try to work this out ourselves and not do that right now.

Any suggestions on how get the fun back would be greatly appreciated. I don’t want to feel like sex is a chore it needs to be fun. I love my husband and would love to give back to him the love we missed over the 6.5 years!

Katie

[Becca]

Hi Katie,

I wish that I had advice to give you in this regard, but I am struggling in the same way! I feel like my libido was very high when we first got married, but after a while of dealing with V it really does suck it all away from you. 🙁 I have a hard time not considering our sex life to be “work” because it really IS work right now (had my procedure in February). My friends have suggested I need to find what makes me aroused and have my husband focus on that, but truthfully not much arouses me anymore. It is hard to find a balance between the chore of dilating and learning to have sex and wanting that spontaneous, fun, passionate sex life that you always imagine you will have. Anyways, mostly just want to let you know you’re not alone in this struggle, I feel exactly the way you described. Hopefully some others will have some great suggestions for us. 🙂

[Allie]

Hey ladies. It definitely can feel like “work”. Making sure you are dilating on a regular basic & then making sure you dilate before you have sex. It’s starts to feel so mechanical. I would feel the same way, my libido was so low. We would plan date nights. Whether it was going to a romantic dinner or just staying home & watching a movie. I would go out and buy some lingerie and wear under my clothes.(sounds silly I know but it made me feel sexy) haha. I would suprise him with it.. On the way home from dinner or etc. One thing we would always say when we would start to be intimate with each other was it’s OK if we don’t have intercourse. We would just spend a lot of time kissing & touching… Sometimes we didn’t even end up trying to have sex. But we needed those moments of intimacy to connect emotionally. We eventually got to a good place where we had those sparks again! I finally started to actually act on my feelings and initiate being intimate without it feeling like a chore.

I don’t know if this helps, but just keep on keeping on!:) You gotta bring out that old spark in yourself that you use to have! 🙂

[Becca]

Thanks for the response, Allie! I have been thinking that I should go purchase some new lingerie, just to see if it would help me. 😉 It’s just frustrating because most of the time when I am “in the mood” I have not been dilating, so I know it won’t be successful to attempt intercourse. I have to have been dilating for a few hours and be up to the 5 to be able to tolerate my husband penetrating me. Anyways, I appreciate the tips, and I will just have to continue to try! 😉

[kelseroo]

Oh my goodness, I am feeling the exact same way as you girls. I had my procedure in April, had intercourse for the first time in May. Right now sex feels like work for me- we can’t do anything spontaneous, because I need to dilate for at least an hour before so I am stretched enough. I have been wondering what is wrong with me- I feel like dealing with vaginismus for the past 3 years has turned off something in my brain that I just can’t turn back on. I think back to when my husband and I were dating- we couldn’t keep our hands off each other- we made out all the time, and I couldn’t wait to have sex when we got married. I still love my husband very much and am attracted to him, but I just can’t seem to get aroused like he does. I am able to orgasm with a vibrator or oral on the clitoris, which we do sometimes. But overall, I feel like I’m just going through the motions most of the time when we have sex. I don’t know what to do- my husband tries so hard to be romantic and “warm me up” but most of the time it only helps a little. I feel like I’m pretending to be into it more to make my husband happy, but inside I feel kind of numb. I’m so glad I’m not the only one struggling with this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[23years]

I unfortunately have no advice but just wanted to show my support by not only saying I can relate (have had the big V for 23 years) but also to shout loudly when I scream

“VAGINISMUS SUCKS!” (Excuse my French Dr Pacik)

Okay I feel better…..

On another note, “Dr Pacik and his family ROCK!”

[jessbee]

you ladies are right. vaginismus takes out all the fun sex SHOULD be. After suffering from vaginismus and avoiding intimacy and sex, it is really hard to get back the feelings of excitement, arousal,and sensuality. Its kind of like you just give up. After the procedure, when you start realizing that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel…you still feel void of any kind of sexual feeling. As someone stated above, you just feel kind of numb. Aside from vaginismus killing the libido being on antidepressants makes things even worse. its a struggle, but you have to keep going one day at a time..every little step you take matters..no matter how small

[Dr. Pacik]

This is a very important thread. Loss of libido is a common occurrence and getting it back is no easy task. As Jessbee pointed out anti-depressants can cause this. Other culprits are birth control pills and of course vaginismus itself.
When we do the counseling session the day after treatment we spend time discussing “date nights” to make the anticipation more fun. I loved Allie’s comment of wearing something sexy under her cloths and making out on the way home. This certainly can set the stage. Dressing up and dressing down can be very helpful to avoid the mechanical aspects of dilation. Water is wonderful, take a shower or bath first-together. Use lubes on each other. Be vocal! We all know how music can move our souls. Let’s make some sex noise. Our partner, male or female, vocalizing with soft purring noises or downright screaming can be a big turn on for all involved.
Once you dilate easily you do not need to dilate for the recommended one hour prior to intercourse. Actually even 5 minutes can work just fine. Actually a finger works as well. I think everyone gets stuck with the idea you always need to dilate for one hour. I will make sure to correct this during future counseling.
I would love to hear more from our vets. Sometimes it just takes time to make that transition.
I will plan a blog as we get more responses. Now that we have conquered the physical pain, we need to work on the emotional pain.

[arynne]

It simply can not be overstated just how bad the SSRI’s are for sexual functioning. They have the propensity to turn off pleasure receptor in your brain and to leave them turned off. Anorgasmia in men and loss of libido in men and women are common but woefully under-reported side effects of all anti-depressants and most anti-anxiety medicines. If you are on any of these medications and are suffering from lack or loss of libido then the first thing you need to consider is weaning yourself off them.
You history of vaginismus too of course is important. No doubt it can leave a footprint even after successful treatment. Consideration too may need to be given to your hormone profile if you are circa menopausal or post. HRT including testosterone may need to be considered.

[KatieG07]

Thanks dr Pacik!

The other night we wanted sex but got home from being out and I did glass 4 and 5 and 6 for 5 minutes each and we had sex with no problem! You are right we don’t need to dilate for the full hour before hand! I had my procedure back in June!

Katie

[Dr. Pacik]

Fabulous! Thanks for posting this Katie.

[Dr. Pacik]

Thank you Dr. Andrew Rynne for your valuable thoughts. I have collaborated with him in the past and feel he has an excellent understanding of vaginismus. For our UK friends on the Forum he does internet counseling from his office in Ireland.
You can read more about his insights by linking to his article in Medical Advice.
[url] http://medicaladviceforyou.com/vaginismus-vaginal-spasm/%5B/url%5D This article also discusses how vaginismus was described by Dr. Sims in 1861.

[Becca]

Kelseroo, you said it exactly right when you said you feel “numb”. That is exactly the word for how I feel sexually. Just numb. I try to be into it, but I’m just not. It’s so hard. And I think it has been hard for me too because I literally do have to dilate for hours in order to insert my husband, other wise it is way too painful. :-/ Just gotta keep pressing on! Thanks so much for the tips, Dr. Pacik and Dr. Rynne!