Thanks for your interesting input about asexuality. That seems like a pretty difficult situation to be in for you. It’s interesting that your wife considers masturbation disgusting when it is super natural and understandable that you need to – do you think that has to do with her asexuality or something else? Maybe sex feels shameful for her due to something in her past? Feeling shame about sex seems to be a huge pattern for people with vaginismus.
I think it’s important and reasonable for your wife, (if she does want to overcome vaginismus and eventually be able to have pain-free sex), to take steps to do so, but it doesn’t seem like a priority for her! Vaginismus can be a lonely and shameful thing until you realize there are many others going through the same thing, and SO MANY who have overcome it – so I’d suggest she reads through some success stories in these forums or somewhere else.
Hope things get better and thanks for being such a supportive partner to her!