Hi imapartner – Heather is totally right! This is a common (but rarely discussed) issue for partners of people dealing with vaginismus. I had vaginismus myself which involved intensive treatment, and something I wasn’t expecting was for him to have orgasm issues once we were able to have intercourse, but that was totally the case. He had gotten too familiar with the sensation of his own hand giving him an orgasm and wasn’t able to have one any other way for awhile.
Heather’s advice was excellent, but one thing we also ended up needing to do was have my boyfriend stop masturbating entirely so he could unlearn the familiarity he had with his hand and build up some sexual tension to release during intercourse. If you’re having issues getting erections, you may just need to move more slowly and develop your sensations of arousal again. Either way, know that this is totally normal and something a lot of couples that have dealt with vaginismus face!