Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus for the Men 12 years. Help. Reply To: 12 years. Help.


My situation is similar to this Mw84uk. My wife was diagnosed with vaginismus in 2019 after being married for 12 years and we have 2 kids. We are both each other’s first and had sex before we got married. Being virgins it was an expected funny disaster but we had enjoyable sex probably twice. Bear in mind we were new at this so it was over pretty fast 🙂 Soon it seemed to become painful for her and my sense is that this happened once the novelty wore off. We both come from very conservative backgrounds where sex is never spoken about and is generally perceived as dirty…no we aren’t Amish 🙂 She then wanted to stop having sex until we got married but once we were, “the wall” was there. Our first year of married life was for me THE MOST FRUSTRATING – looking forward to all the fun. Fast forward and we now have two kids. This is after a surgical procedure (Fenton plasty) but this was entirely unsuccessful. Following the vaginismus diagnosis, which was a relief to finally understand the reason, we went for a few sessions with a sexologist working with the gynaecologist. We also bought the dilators but this freaked my wife out too much. Two years on they are still in the box with little effort from her for intimacy. We are best friends and basically roommates.
I have discussed with her that I believe that intimacy is an important part of any marriage. She recognises my perspective and needs but this lead to uncommitted “servicing” which I do not want. Seems my wife is able to be happily married without intimacy. I have not resorted to giving her an ultimatum, but I am disappointed that she is not motivated to work on this for us. To confirm, I have provided substantial support and have been patient and understanding but the lack of effort speaks volumes. This makes me question whether intimacy can be outsourced, as discussed with the sexologist as an option? My immediate response to this is that it cannot -infidelity…breaking of trust….committed marriage…conservative upbringing and all…but I am considering this more and more. Does the concept of an open marriage have any chance of success?