Hi Jonathan – thanks so much for sharing your story. As the other commenters have mentioned, we hear this kind of thing a fair amount from women whose partners have had all the same issues you detail here. It sounds like the challenge in your relationship is that you’re now facing the same EMOTIONAL issues your partner was feeling earlier in the relationship, before she treated her vaginismus. You’re likely feeling like the issues with your sex life are all your fault and are embarrassed about them, and you shouldn’t be.
I empathize with your wife’s desire to keep her treatment plan private because it can be awkward and full of setbacks, and for whatever reasons she may have felt it would be easier to manage her progress without keeping you updated. But the reality is that she sprung intercourse on you after a long drought period where it was off the table, and it’s perfectly natural that you weren’t just ready to jump back in the saddle right away after your brain and body had been trained not to expect sex. It’s sort of like if you had just asked your wife to try to have penetrative sex during the period in which you weren’t doing that at all – it wouldn’t work and the fact that she was so deeply not expecting it would compound the issue further.
Anna2021 is right in that a big part of rebuilding your sex life with your life will be about rebuilding your communication around sex. If you haven’t had an explicit conversation about your issues around ejaculation, it may be worth sharing the ways you’ve been feeling emotionally so your wife can understand your position. I think it’s likely that you both may also need to do some re-learning of what the cadence of your sexual encounters go, especially if you do things differently during windows of time when your wife is ovulating. You’ve already been through a lot as a couple, and you can get through this too – it just takes a different type of work than you’ve needed to do before!