First off, I want to say how refreshing it is to know that other women are going through the same thing that I’m experiencing. I really did feel like I was alone, but it’s good to know that I’m not.
I’m currently 39 and have been going through this for almost 20 years. I have never been diagnosed with vaginismus but based on my research, I know for sure I have it. I have even discussed this with my doctor, but she only mentioned that it’s all psychological. I’m able to insert tampons, can be fingered, and insert a small dildo, but when it comes to actual penetration, I literally become a panicky mess.
I believe this has all started when I was 18 and I tried to have sex for the first time. It was actually a scary moment for me with my then-boyfriend. The experience was so painful that I never wanted to try again, and when I even attempted to, it just ends in disaster.
I have been with my fiance for almost 18 years now, and not being able to have sex has been causing issues in our relationship. Although we have engaged in other types of sex, when it comes to penetration, it’s has been a nightmare. Although my body is saying yes to being with him, my mind immediately cuts off any type of intimacy with him. My fiance has been so patient with me, but this has really put a strain on our relationship, and I know eventually he will leave me.
As for trying to overcome my anxiety, I have purchased a kit last year, which I have tried to use several times, but stopped because either I became frustrated with my results, or just doesn’t have the confidence in doing it. I have tried several times to have sex with my fiance, but half of the time my confidence is so low that we end up arguing about it, and now I’m just frustrated about the entire situation. I keep asking myself why am I going through this? I can be a very sexual person and I want to be able to have that feeling being penetrated, but I feel as if my mind and my body are on two different pages when I need them to be on one.
I think by talking about this as well as actually continuing with the self exercises will slowly help me get through this, but I know there is more I need to do to actually overcome vaginismus. I know it will take time, but it has been a really big struggle for me.