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Thank you recessivegenequeen! I really appreciate your reply. One of the hardest parts of this has been feeling so isolated with the problem.
I have got another water based lubricant my therapist suggested….I might give that a go too. I do find the almond oil really nice and no irritation for either of us. It feels luxurious rather than medical. I’m on the pill, so don’t have to worry so much about what works with a condom.
It’s really interesting what you say about size. My therapist said from the start not to worry about dilator no5, as we only work up to no4 before transitioning. But my husband is definitely bigger than no4 and I think this has really affected my ability to imagine getting his penis in. It’s definitely the width that is the concern for me (sorry for the detail!). I know from dilating, that once I get past those pesky muscles at the entrance, the length of the dilator isn’t so much of a problem. So, we discussed at our last session using no5 and my therapist said to go for it, if I feel it would help. Last week I dilated with no4 and then as soon as I removed it, I braved no5. I managed to get it in 2 inches. This was a real breakthrough for me. It felt so much bigger, but each one felt like that to start with.
I realise so much of it is connected to thoughts and feelings and I feel a lot of pent up anger still, which I think I need to talk to her about next week.
We are also finding it difficult to find a comfortable position for us both. He is a bit more flexible than me generally and luckily has had no problems maintaining an erection, but his penis has a tendency to curve down a little. It feels like if we could get the angle right when he places himself there, there is a better chance of success. I think the hitting the wall feeling is because of that and I’m not sure how we get in the right position?
In the meantime, I’m going to keep reminding myself how far I’ve come. Thanks x