Ccropi, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this pain and all the feelings of guilt and shame that come with it. I had vaginismus for almost 10 years and can strongly relate to everything you described, especially how it felt to deal with in my teen years. It’s a time where the people around you know very little about sex but there is still so much pressure to be participating and to feel knowledgeable about it.
It’s great that you realized so young what is happening to you and found this forum – I was 21 when I first learned of vaginismus and I didn’t seek treatment until I was 25. I wish I had done it years sooner because it was stunning how totally normal I was able to have my sex life be once I actually sought the help I needed from the Maze clinic by way of their botox treatment. I hope you’ll look into some options too because this doesn’t have to rule your life! By posting here you have already taken the first step and discovered what is possible.
I think the best way to not feel defeated is to recognize that so many other women have felt exactly the way you’ve felt and have found their way to the other side, where they can have the sex life they want. It is possible, and knowing you’re not alone in this experience can help you to recognize that this pain is temporary.
This forum is a great resource, but I also recommend the book When Sex Seems Impossible – it gives a lot of detail about vaginismus and other sexual pain issues and also details many kinds of treatment you can get:
You can also call the Maze Clinic at 914-328-3700 just to have a conversation and speak to someone knowledgeable – they can outline other treatment options for you.
Please let us know if you have any questions at all! You do not have to feel like this forever!