Reply To: Getting difficult to hold on to my relationship

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Partner – I am so sorry for what an emotional experience you’ve had, and you should feel very proud of how you have handled things. I understand that your girlfriend probably led you to think this out of her own fear and insecurity for her own sexual situation, but it’s unfair that she put so much of the blame on you for your sex life not working and it’s okay for you to feel upset about that, if you still do. You have been a patient and supportive partner and your girlfriend is lucky to have someone like you to trust her truth with.

I suffered from vaginismus for about 10 years (roughly ages 15 to 25) and to be totally honest with you, I would probably STILL be miserably dealing with it if not for a partner I met when I was 24. By that age I knew I had vaginismus and had vague plans to address it “someday,” but the thought of facing my pain and shame head-on were so incapacitating that I genuinely had no feeling of urgency to do anything about it. When I first started dating this new partner I told him pretty early on I wasn’t able to have sex because of vaginismus, but a few months into our relationship it became an issue; sex was important to him, and if I didn’t make any effort to fix my vaginismus he didn’t really see how we could stay in a relationship together.

At the time what he said was devastating to me. I had long been scared that my inability to have sex would keep me from making a connection with a partner, and here was that fear coming true. I was so wounded that I almost broke up with him, but a good friend of mine reminded me that I’d long wanted to cure my vaginismus and maybe this would be a good time – after all, I could break up with this person later if I still felt this way.

The big push I got from this partner ended up being one of the best things anyone’s ever done for me. The reality is that I was waiting to feel “ready” when I probably never would have, even though in reality I was up to the task once I put in the work. But I needed a reason to take the first step and knowing I had a connection to lose made me realize I had to find the strength within me.

I tell you this story not so that you’ll run to your girlfriend and give her an ultimatum right now, but to help you understand that when someone is dealing with something that feels so big and scary, I don’t expect your partner will ever come to you one day and say “I woke up and THIS is the day I’m ready to seek treatment for vaginismus.” She will likely need to know that it matters to you and have a motivation for getting the help she needs, otherwise it will be too easy to push the problem aside and say, “I’ll get to that next week, or month, or year, or decade.” Also, and this is important, YOU have a right to express your needs in your relationship. You should let your partner know that sex is important to you and talk with her about what she needs to feel ready. It’s possible she’ll still need time to process and explore her options, but she likely never will if she doesn’t see a reason to make that change. And by talking to her, you can find out whether she has intentions of ever seeking treatment. If she doesn’t, you deserve to know that, and make the decision that’s right for you about your relationship based on it.

I hope this helps. Let us know how things go or if you have any questions – I’ve been here before and I know how hard it is to be in your position. I feel for you and I hope you can get the answers you need!