Sex in a New World

So, you’re single again. The last time you thought about sleeping with someone you were wondering how to muffle the snoring. The idea of sex was just that, an idea. You never imagined thinking about STDs and lingerie again!

The good news is you get to date again. The even better news is that you get to have sex with someone new. Wait, before you close the page and move on, ponder the idea of sex with someone hotter, sexier, younger, more energetic than your former partner…

I ‘re-entered’ the dating world at the age of 50 after 25 years with the same partner. Terrified but intrigued, I decided to be open minded. I knew that I had at least another 25 years of potential, after all, 50 is the new 30 right? Well, not exactly.

I was fairly fit (exercise was my savior during the divorce) and could put together a decent outfit (I’m a huge fan of funky cowboy boots-use your imagination). I cut my hair, bought some colorful makeup and got myself out there. That’s when the panic set in.

I’ve had two kids and have the stretch marks and belly fat to prove it.

How would I explain the patch above my very well ‘coifed’ private parts?

What happens when I’m so dry it hurts?

What if it gets serious and he realizes that a couple of nights a week I’m ‘out of commission’ because I need to use vaginal estrogen?

Oh, and by the way, I don’t know how to fake it and need extra ‘help’ in that department.  

And then there’s STDs!!! How do I tell him he has to use a condom?

What diseases can I catch?

Do I ask him for his medical records before we get into bed?

I wasn’t prepared to be celibate for the rest of my days. I needed to ‘own’ my 50+ year-old body and find someone who wanted it just the way it was.

It’s important to be comfortable with yourself and know why you want to have sex. There are issues you want to be clear about like:

  • What does having sex mean to you right now?
  • Are you okay with a 1-night stand?
  • Do you need to be in a committed relationship?
  • Do you need to be in love?
  • How will you feel in the morning?

The beauty of maturity is that we know to ask ourselves these questions. You should be honest with yourself and your partner. The right partner appreciates honesty. If you’re concerned about STDs (which you should be), ask him to take a blood test. Offer, to do the same. Without the worry of disease, you’re free to explore at whatever level you’re comfortable.

After a few years testing the dating waters, I’m happy to say I’m in a committed relationship. I don’t always love my body and the few extra inches or rolls here and there, but honestly, I don’t think he even knows they’re there. 

Here’s why sex is so great at this point in my life:

  1. I own my own bedroom which includes a firm mattress that doesn’t hurt my back.
  2. I’m in control when I want to be. Men like being told what you like. They like when you ask them what turns them on.
  3. The more sex toys, the better. What I thought would be a complete turn off, actually makes sex that much more fun and that much better.
  4. I can no longer get pregnant. That doesn’t mean we didn’t use protection until we were sure all the bloodwork was clean.
  5. My kids are out of the house-we can be as loud as we want.

It takes some time and experience for most of us to get comfortable with sex again. There’s no right amount of time-it’s entirely up to you. You have the choice to say “no” or to say “yes” if the timing is right and the person is right. But give yourself credit, you are AWESOME and you deserve pleasure and happiness.

Karen Bigman, Founder & President of The Divorcierge, is a CDC® Certified Divorce Coach and Martha Beck trained Life Coach. She is a personal concierge for divorce based in the Tri-State, New York area. 

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