There are so many books on how to have an orgasm that I sometimes feel I could start an orgasm library, you know, a whole library with just books on orgasm. Some of the books are great and helpful. Some of them, less so. But when I’m talking to women about becoming orgasmic, there are a few points that I think are critical for women to know:
There are not “two different kinds of orgasm!”
Once upon a time, many, many years ago, in the land of Vienna, a not-so-handsome prince named Sigmund Freud theorized that there were two kinds of orgasm: a vaginal orgasm (that women had from penetration) which was the “mature orgasm” and a “clitoral orgasm” (that women had from stimulation to the clitoris) which was an “immature orgasm”. That is a fairy tale which has been debunked by science. There are thousands of nerve ending in the vagina, the clitoris, the vulva and the surrounding area. Orgasms can happen from stimulation of any or all of those and will feel different depending on where the primary stimulation is and what is doing the stimulation. There aren’t 2 kinds of orgasms. There are millions of kinds of orgasms and probably no two are more alike than snowflakes.
An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm
You can’t and shouldn’t rank orgasms. It makes no sense. There are no gold stars for orgasms you have from intercourse and no penalty points from orgasms you have with a vibrator. There isn’t a “better orgasm” and a “worse orgasm”, a “noble orgasm” and a “selfish orgasm” Orgasms feel good and are good for you. How you have them is only relevant for discussion when you are trying to figure out which type of orgasm feels better to you and which type of orgasm fits into your personal sex life. If your partner loves giving your oral sex then that might rank higher in your orgasm hierarchy assuming you can reach orgasm that way and like the way they feel. If it’s important to you and/or your partner that you can have orgasms during intercourse then using your hand while you are having intercourse might be a good way for you to have an orgasm.
Only 33% of women orgasm from a penis in their vagina
Yes. Yes. I know. 100% of women in the movies orgasm from vaginal intercourse and I assure you, if YOU were in the movies you too would have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse, but fortunately or unfortunately we live in the real world where the statistics are these: Around 30% of women have an orgasm from penile penetration alone, 70-80% are able to orgasm from a hand or a mouth and 94.6% can orgasm using a vibrator on their clitoris.
Your brain is a huge piece of the puzzle
If you use a vibrator at a crazy high setting but you are thinking about your dying grandmother you may have trouble reaching orgasm. On the other hand, you may not have trouble if your nerves are very sensitive and you orgasm easily. But most of us don’t have the reaction dial set that high and really do need our brain to be turned on. Having an orgasm is the result of too much stimulation and too much neural input. The nerves can’t handle the stimulation and “explode.” That’s why fantasies are so useful and helpful to women trying to have an orgasm. They raise the level of neural stimulation.
Vibrators are not kinky sex toys
They are your friend. It is much easier to have orgasms from a vibrator than from a hand or mouth. See my third bullet point above. The bottom line is that that a vibrator gives you more stimulation for longer. It makes it easier to orgasm. Period. And an orgasm from a vibrator is not “better or worse” than an orgasm from a hand. It’s just an orgasm. So if a vibrator fits into your lifestyle, go for it.
If you don’t have an orgasm, the sex is no good
That is simply not true. There are some women who only enjoy sex when it includes an orgasm and some very happy women who enjoy sex without an orgasm. The trick here is to be honest with yourself and your partner. Figure out what you like, what feels good to you and then just develop a game plan to get it.
Certain drugs can help if you are having trouble having an orgasm...
…But you do need to see a specialist who knows what they’re doing when you look for medical help. We’ve looked into all of the herbal remedies out there and haven’t found any that actually work for any of our patients, so that might not be a direction you want to spend a lot of time on.
Your partner is not “a better lover” if you have orgasms one way or another while together
The only thing that separates one lover from another is their openness! If you have a partner who is really happy to find out what turns you on, who doesn’t make you feel shamed or embarrassed by your personal preferences, and is game to try whatever turns you on, then THAT is a good lover. Trust me here, the size of his penis probably won’t matter that much, his level of experience probably won’t matter that much, and his preconceived notions really won’t matter that much. What will matter to you in your quest for an orgasm is your partner’s ability to listen, watch, ask questions and respond!
I know I end many of my blog posts with the same exhortation, but I’m going to do it again. Have fun. Don’t have your quest for an orgasm destroy the fun and pleasure of your sex life. Keep my points in mind, try new things, think sexy thoughts and if all else fails, come see us.