In our center, we are often troubleshooting with patients when it comes to creating a sex life that feels sustainable on a regular, non-vacation basis.
While each case is different and every relationship has its unique challenges, what often emerges from patients are idealistic notions about sex that may sound nice and appealing, but are holding back a couple from coming up with realistic solutions. An example of this is the idea of scheduling sex or planning it out beforehand. A common response to the idea is that sex is supposed to be spontaneous and therefore if it isn’t spontaneous then it’s not ideal…and therefore not something to consider.
But here’s the thing. If for years you’ve been holding onto spontaneous sex as the ideal, but that spontaneous sex just isn’t happening, at a certain point there is a choice: Keep holding onto the ideal (whether or not spontaneous sex is ideal is for a different blog post), or accept that you need an alternative plan. It’s not an act of failure or defeat; it’s a recognition of reality and letting go of perfectionism that can manifest as a supposed to in your mind. As seen with patients time and time again, when you let go of the black-and-white hold that the supposed to’s can have, suddenly a world of new and enriching possibilities becomes available.