Yesterday, a patient told me that she and her husband had developed a new way of communicating about sex and I thought it was so clever, I thought I’d pass it along! They have been having some problems with their sex life and, more recently, although things were getting better, her husband was getting fed up with approaching her and having her put him off. So they developed a system. If she’s okay having sex that evening/night, she puts a sign on his pillow that says “Yes.” If he’s in the mood too, he can approach her pretty sure that she’ll say yes. (Once in a while, she begs off because after having put the sign there, life spun out of control and she’s too tired, but mostly she is a go.)
The sign on the bed has changed their whole dynamic. She can be proactive without feeling uncomfortable, he can be pretty sure he won’t be rejected. It’s working so well for them, she told me that she is considering having a pillow embroidered with “yes” on one side and “no” on the other. The truth is that this is really not such a new idea. Archeologists have found “sex” objects which seem to be specially intended for this purpose. These are small objects, dishes, vases, plates that can be set up in one of two ways. If the object is set in a certain way (the couple together or separate or open or closed) that would be a non-verbal communication to the woman’s partner that she is open to the idea of having sex that day or evening. If they are set in the “no” position, the partner would get that message as well.
Anyhow, I thought resurrecting the concept was a cute one. I suggested that maybe her husband could get a “yes” sign also. And then when there were two “yesses” on the pillow, they’d be good to go!