Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh writes for MCFS: When it comes to sex, do you know what YOU want?

Hello Everyone. I am Dr. Sara NasserZadeh. I have just joined the dynamic group of professionals at MCFS and am looking forward to interacting with you all through the blog. My Motto is: “There is always a way forward or at least out of it”. I hope you enjoy this entry as much as I did writing it!

I can’t tell you how many times women ask me ‘How can I improve my sex life?’ When I ask them what the ideal situation would be, they don’t have a clear idea as what those improvements might be. That is why I thought of writing this entry to encourage everyone to clarify their perception about sex, good sex and great sex, to know what is it that they want and to learn how to communicate that effectively with their partners. These will all happen by following three simple steps:

1) Add some active learning to your everyday life: Many of the norms and ideas that we have in mind are shaped by the messages we receive in our everyday life. These include: talking to our friends, reading a magazine’s sex tips page, watching TV and so on. These are the passive learning processes we go through each day. If we try to add some active learning techniques to the picture, then we will have a more balanced perspective which will then help us shape a realistic picture of what our individual sex lives could be.

Some of the things we can do to create a more active learning process about our sex lives is to take the time to know our own “turn on’s” and “turn off’s.” We need to get in touch with our bodies to answer these questions: which parts we would like to be touched?, how and for how long? And, perhaps, by whom?

2) Learn how to communicate your likes and dislikes: We need to learn to be more assertive and clear about what we like and dislike — not only about sexual preferences but also in other areas of life. You can start with one of the easiest, but one of the most complex everyday challenges for many people: likes and dislikes in eating! Observe yourself and see how well you communicate what you want and what are the factors that prevent you from getting what you want. These are could be transferable to your sexual communication too.

3) Put this into action: Now that you have a good understanding of what you want, you can communicate this to your partner from the beginning of the relationship to shape the sex life you want. If you are already in a relationship and you have a set pattern of intimacy with your partner, it is very helpful to begin slowly, but surely. For example, at each anniversary, you can sit together with your partner and go through a list of things that you would like to try in this new year of your relationship. This is a useful technique because people (especially in long term relationships) can get offended or insecure if you suddenly suggest a change in the way they have been touching you or kissing you for the past 10 years! Our preferences change over time due to psychological, social, relational and biological factors so this little chat at each anniversary will give you and your partner the opportunity to share your new preferences with one another without any upsets and enjoy life-long satisfying sex life together.

Good luck!

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